Feeling Guilt For Feeling Whole

Years ago I worked at International Luggage Center in Salt Lake City, Utah. One day I learned a powerful lesson when a man walked through our doors... He had no arms. He asked to see the garment bags. So I took him around the corner to where the garment bags were displayed. He asked if I minded him checking it out. As it was up on the wall, he asked me if I would take it down for him. I took it down and told him to go for it. He maneuvered the garment bag down to the ground and began to work the zippers.
I remember feeling somewhat awkward. I wanted so badly to help him open zippers and such, but something inside my head whispered, "Let him do it, he will have to do it on his own if he owns it."  So, I sat back and watched, waiting for him to ask for help...He never did. I can't even remember exactly how he was able to do all that he did, but I remember he did. When he was finished, he got up off the ground and with a slight quiver in his voice, he looked me in the eye and thanked me. He then proceeded to buy the garment bag.

I wasn't sure what to think of the incident. However, the look on his face told me that he appreciated that I did not judge him as incapable despite his obvious handicap. Unfortunately I am not sure that was a common feeling to him.

The lesson I learned was that I should not judge people for what I think they are incapable of. My own feelings were that I was superior because I was not handicapped. However, I have since realized that this man was far more superior, because he could do things without the advantages I had.

Sometimes we want to help others, and we think we are doing them a favor when in reality we are handicapping them. Sometimes we think we are superior, when we are not. Sometimes we carry within us some guilt for being whole, while we think that others are not, because of their gender, race, religion, mental capacity, or whatever makes them different from us. Sometimes this guilt is manifest in our being repulsed in our ignorance resulting in a prejudice and or discrimination. Other times it results in our being repulsed by our ignorance resulting in reverse discrimination. It isn't until we reconcile our guilt that we are able to treat all men equally.

Some learn to reconcile quickly, others take time, but either way it takes overcoming ignorance, either inwardly or outwardly. Each of us learns differently, but we all have to gain experience the same way... By doing something. Fear can either lead you to the darkness, or motivate you to find the light.

Reporting On Our 30 Day Experiment

Well, one of our boys has made it through the 30 day chart and is moving on to his second chart, by his own suggestion nonetheless. This time he wants to see a movie. I am not sure if it has as strong a pull as his Legos did, but his attitude has  changed so much and he recognizes how much better he feels as well. So, we are calling this experiment a complete success for our one boy.

Our second son has struggled, but he has improved so much that we can not say that it has failed him either. He fights it, but the chart forces him to think about where he is failing even if he doesn't like the change. It has caused us to have many conversations, but communication is good, even if it is frustrating most of the time, because it seems to be the same conversation over and over, but I have confidence that it is going to sink in and when he has his light bulb moment a huge weight is going to be lifted off of all our shoulders and we are going to sing Hallelujahs. He also wants to start a second chart so he can earn a backpack for his scouting.

His biggest problem is that he does not trust adults. I believe this stems from a rough early childhood. Both of our boys were adopted through the state. Our oldest was 18 months which is a very impressionable age. Because of his situation we believe that he went into survival mode. In survival mode his higher level thinking abilities were increased, but his emotional development was delayed. Not to mention his natural tendency to want to be older than he is.
Anyways that is for another post...maybe.

A couple of things we are finding along the way:
First, the key is once the terms are established then we have to become their biggest cheerleader. Motivation is important. Be more concerned about helping them change than punishing them for their bad behavior.

Another thing that I think is important is that we consider each child and their abilities. 30 days may work for us but 10 or 15 days may be better for younger kids, or a particularly hard challenge that our child is looking . Maybe even less to start with. The idea is not to punish them, but to help them change their behavior. Make it long enough to make them stretch, but not so long that they lose their motivation.

We have to look for opportunities to teach and communicate. We have to let them know we are not their to make them miserable. Sometimes it can get frustrating, but it is in communication that we find out either our message hasn't been clear or they really are not understanding what we are saying. We found out that sometimes our children seem to be learning from a different dictionary. The more we are able to talk the better we can decipher what they mean. We must never assume that they know what we are saying and we should never assume that they are too young to understand what we are talking about.


Anyways, I am sure we are going to learn a lot more along the way, but so far this experiment as been an answer to our prayers.

Joy To The World...

Recently we had a young woman sign up for a storage unit. She pretty much opened up to us and told us what was happening with her. She was a drug addict and it was obvious she was pregnant. She told us that she was getting herself ready to enter a recovery program, she was working with her bishop, and that she was ready to grow up.

She told us how much she loved her bishop and how he helped her to feel okay about her situation and the situation that she was bringing her child into. It was obviously not the ideal situation and the child was coming into the world with some potentially big problems. 

She wanted the storage so that she could start saving things up for her little one and to hold on to the few things she owned so she could enter a shelter prior to entering the recovery program. She told us that this was the first grown up thing she had ever done. 

She has stopped in every so often and each time her countenance has gotten brighter. It has been a beautiful thing to watch her as she has cleaned herself up. 

This morning she came in to communicate with us and let us know how things were going as well as pay her bill. She had an older woman with her, part of her support system from her church family. Her baby was in a car seat and covered in a blanket. She told us that she had just come from court where DCFS was reviewing her case, because of her situation they were thinking of taking custody of the child. However, they said that she was doing so well that they did not feel that they needed to take him from her. 

She uncovered her little baby, and I do mean little. Apparently he was born at 5 lbs 12 oz., he was tiny, and he was absolutely beautiful. His complexion was clean and pure and he looked so peaceful. We visited for awhile and as she was getting ready to leave, her and the older woman started to cover the child up in order to keep him warm from the cold. I am not sure what it was that suddenly hit me, but something did and I almost started blubbering like a baby. I say almost, because I kept my composure but inside I was blubbering, and when she left I had tears streaming down my face.

I got back to my desk and I started thinking about why I was so emotionally moved by this experience. I mean the child was beautiful and all, and he reminded me of my own daughter with how clear and peaceful he looked, but that wouldn't have such a powerful and profound effect as to hit me that deeply. I couldn't say what had just happened.

It wasn't until later that I realized what it was. As this young lady accepted help from the older lady there was an innocence about her that was so beautiful. Suddenly, I realized that this young woman who had lived a very rough life, had made many bad decisions, and had suffered many consequences for those decisions had received forgiveness in her heart and had become innocent. 

My heart is so full, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the atonement. God lives, Jesus is the Christ, and he was born in Bethlehem and died on Calvary all because he loves us, and so that he could take on our guilt that we might be declared innocent before God.

Joy to the World...Yes indeed, and hope, and love, and happiness too... 

The 30 Day Experiment

 A couple of weeks ago I wrote about an idea that we had for disciplining our boys. Every child reacts  different to anything we are going to try, and it shows in our two boys. One has taken quite well to the program and is going to finish up in well under the 30 days. My other boy is really facing some huge internal struggles, but he also is making huge strides despite losing several days. The talks that we have been able to have with both boys has been amazing and in many ways life changing for us and I believe for them.


The frustration level I had gotten to was beyond healthy. I imagine that my blood pressure was well above anything the doctor would approve of, and I was not happy. I felt like I was constantly raising my voice and in a constant state of disciplining. It made me sick.

Our boys are not bad boys, they just have developed bad habits and were stubbornly clinging to some ideas that where not going to bring them happiness in the short run or the long run. Both have anger issues that manifest themselves in different ways. Despite the troubles we have with them, all in all they are great kids.

So, it frustrates us more that we haven't been able to get them to catch on to the idea that work is good for them, and that it is important to both work and play, that work can be fun in its own way.
Another problem we have with one of my boys is being honest. We have struggled to get him to understand that just because he tells the truth sometimes, does not mean that we are going to believe him that time, or any time until he starts telling the truth consistently. We want our boys to contribute to society, and we would rather them be good citizens than our friends, although ideally we don't see why we shouldn't be able to do both.

So, now we are almost three weeks into the experiment and we are about to declare this experiment a success because of the attitude that has been in our home almost immediately.

The key to our success, I believe, has been the fact that we entered into the experiment not with an attitude that we wanted them to fail, but we wanted them to change their attitude. With that in mind we have become their biggest cheerleaders and have been a lot more lenient with them as long as their attitudes are changing. Once one of them hit the half way mark we told them that we were going to make it just a little harder to earn a 2 day prize, but that doesn't seem to have really discouraged them too much, they haven't really put forth the effort to earn the 2 days, but their attitude is still much better.

Along the way we have had several opportunities to talk to the boys and teach them some things that we have been trying to teach them for years. They are starting to understand that we are not their enemies, and that we want them to understand us, which has been half the battle. We found out in our conversations that our oldest thought that we were just speaking gibberish when we started telling him to be aware of his surroundings, not that he ever asked us to explain it. However, now he thinks that he understands what we are talking about and his actions are starting to show that he just might. Another conversation was about living by principles and how to apply one lesson to several situations. These concepts are slowly sinking in one conversation at a time.

Some of our greatest conversations have come as they were in the process of losing a day. It is then that we have been able to talk to them and discuss why they were losing a day. They seem to pay a little closer attention to what they can do to change their behavior.

This experiment has been no less a miracle than the parting of the Red Sea, or maybe more appropriate Christ calming the storm, as the storm clouds in my own head and heart have been calmed.