Coming up on my 30 year reunion I am forced to face some issues that I really didn't want to deal with. I was not a huge fan of High School, probably because I developed some pretty stinky thinking that I still battle today. I barely graduated with a 2.0. That made me dumb. I knew I wasn't, but that was the label I gave myself. I find it quite ironic that most of my friends were super scholarly and geared toward academics. The football team just assumed that I was an academic type, and I thought of myself as pretty intelligent, but those damn grades just kept translating into "loser." I promised myself that one day I would write a book. Labeling myself as dumb was a huge mistake. I knew that label meant no good jobs for me, because to be successful you had to get a degree and the thought of going back to school was overwhelmingly painful. The minimum wage mentality was a huge wall and I built it myself brick by horrifying brick, and have battled tearing it down for most of my adult life. It is frustrating to me to see others who I knew were not nearly as capable as myself making far more money than myself. I know it is a mental issue, but it is real, to me, as the ground I walk on and the house I live in.
I went to college for a year after my mission, and failed miserably at the one thing I so desperately
I have had several jobs, but I have managed to stay away from any jobs that would fast track me to a comfortable living. And the battle between what I truly feel in my heart and what I think in my head concerning success is a constant battle for supremacy with casualties on both sides of the war. I usually end up taking the position of inferiority. Not healthy I know, but it is the war I am engaged in. And it is not because I don't think I am anything special, I just see everyone else as better than myself. I am prone to depression, which I know tends to darken how I view myself and so I try to counter act it by learning new things, for the past several years it has been through my writing, photography, and as of late I started singing karaoke to get myself over the discomfort of hearing my own voice.
Before you think that I am ungrateful I want you to know that I feel blessed beyond measure. I am happy more days than not. I accept that if life were only smiles and sunshine I might not recognize how good my life really is. You see my life is exactly what it needs to be in order for me to become who I am suppose to be. I can look back and see where my lack of money has been a blessing, where not having more children allowed me to have the children I do have, and my A.D.D has given me insights and empathies that I might
I love the fact that I live in my old neighborhood. Sure I would like a nicer home, but my children live right down the street from my mother, and I can't think of a better living situation than having my mom's influence on my children. Someday maybe I will have a nicer home, but in all reality I am having a blast creating my world around me where I am.