Marriage Is About Being Partners Not Parents

A marriage with two parents disciplining each other will never last, but a marriage of two partners helping each other become disciplined will last for time and all eternity...

The real trick to a marriage is learning how to change how we fight. Most of us never get past the idea that marriage is hard work. And once we do get married and the honeymoon finally winds down and we have our first "discussion" suddenly we think not only is it hard work, but it hurts as well. Our interpretation of this is that we are now at war. Now this is not an all out war, but a subtle war which is even worse, because we know we have to live with the enemy. We begin to make truces, but we are constantly checking to make sure that the truce is still being honored. Every time the truce is broken we feel picked on and we naturally seek out the weaknesses of our opponents defense system. Instead of til death do us part, we are in an MMM cage fight to the death. Okay a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Suddenly we start seeing our spouse as our parent and we start feeling like a teenager, or even worse we feel like the parent and we see our spouse as the teenager. This marriage is headed over a cliff.

Marriage is a battle, and there is a very real war being fought. However, once we begin to realize that we are on the same team, and that we are partners in this battle, tied to each others success, then and only then will we truly be capable of becoming a real married couple. Until then we are merely two people contracted to each other. Once we are on the same page nothing can beat us. Together we become synergistic making us more than twice as powerful together than we ever could be individually. This does not mean that we no longer have problems. The point of getting on the same team is not that we are guaranteed no opposition, but that we can have confidence that we have a partner as we face that opposition. Sometimes it will be your weaknesses, sometimes it will be your spouses weaknesses that need to be addressed. 

Once you are on the same team you can stop taking offense when your spouse offers you help in seeing a change that you may need to make, and you can be assured that they are there to help you overcome. Once you are on the same team you will not allow yourself to react emotionally when your spouse shows their weaknesses and shortcomings. We will not belittle our spouse for being weak, but we will help them find the help they need and support them in their battle. This kind of marriage doesn't mean that both parties are 100% all of the time. It means that when one is not doing well the other picks up the slack and both communicate their needs. This kind of team is in the zone. That kind of marriage can not be conquered no matter how big the obstacles so long as it remains a two person team.

Put the Power Of God In Your Marriage

Getting married is like buying a new vehicle. The first little while you are figuring out all the funky gidgets and gadgets that you didn't realize came with the package. Once the newness wears off you start looking at the gas mileage. You take a few trips and then you add memories and the gas mileage doesn't matter. Then come the repairs and maintenance and you start saying,"Hey, I didn't know this came with the car!" Finally, once you find the right mechanic you realize this car could last forever...And your happy.

Marriage is not easy in any case, but when you bring into the marriage the desire to understand and the willingness to forgive you will have brought the power of God into your marriage. And when both of you bring that power into the marriage you can face any battle no matter how big it may be. Without that power little things can become big things and big things can get too big.


None of us enters into a marriage knowing everything about the person we are marrying. As the package is unwrapped we may find a few things that are less than flattering. In fact, we may find some things that we find down right disgusting to us. If you are married to a good person who is trying to be better, then you can work things out. It is those who feel no remorse for carrying undesirable baggage into the marriage that cause the foundation of a marriage to become unstable.


I don't blame others for giving up the battle, especially when addiction is involved. It is not an easy choice to continue standing beside someone who is caught in the web of addiction. But those who choose to fight the battle together and are successful will know no greater bond and will know no greater love, because when you go through the refiners fire together you will become one. Some manage to get there easier than others, but eventually we all have to become one or we will remain single forever, even though we are married. Sad but true, their are many a marriages stuck in the fire.

However, there is always hope once you find the right mechanic who can help restore the power of God back into the relationship. And with that hope the foundation of a kingdom can be built.

Mid Life Crisis: Doesn't Matter How Old You Are

What might have been is a fantasy that can never be. Often when we look back on life we are left wondering what might have been had I made this decision or that. What might have been, if dwelt upon can cause us to go into crisis mode. It doesn't matter whether you are 25, 35, 45 or 65 dwelling on these kinds of questions can often leave us feeling somewhat uneasy about our future and our past. Instead we must keep ourselves grounded in the present only looking back to see where we can improve our current decision making.
Do not mourn your past it is part of you and it is the foundation for the best of you. You are who you are because you have learned and grown past the bad decisions, and if you haven't then now is your chance to do what is right by making the decision to be your best self right where you are.
Sometimes we think we can go through life without difficulties and be a better person. I can tell you right now that is a lie. We must work hard to become the person we want to be. If we do not have to work hard then we have not set a high enough goal and we will not experience happiness.
A mid life crisis happens when we take for granted the difficulties we have been given. Often times they sneak up on us without warning, and we are faced with a very real perception that we might be able to change our future by abandoning our present for a fantasy of our past.
When we start to feel the panic of not being where we want to be it is easy to blame those around us for our circumstances. It is important to ground ourselves in the present, in our faith, in reason, and in what we know is morally correct. If we do not the chances of coming through the crises with a happy ending go down considerably.

Being in the "Eye of Faith" is when all hell breaks out all around us but we can still see how everything that is happening is going to benefit us in the long run. It is easy to enter this Eye of Faith when we believe God is a loving Heavenly Father and wants us to be happy. Once we have this conviction we will start looking for the pony when we are going through crap.

The Power Of The Marriage Covenant

The Covenant of Marriage is a three way covenant. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ this is very significant, not that it is not for others, but as a Latter Day Saint when we are married in the Temple it is for time and all eternity. Depending on your relationship this can bring comfort or it can be a little scary.

The nature of an Eternal marriage is that it is an agreement entered into by you, your spouse, and God. This is a binding covenant and so long as the covenant is not broken then your marriage is eternal and all that are born or adopted into that covenant belong to God. This covenant can not be broken without the Lords permission. We may not act within the covenant, but when that covenant is bound by the power of God, ultimately it is only by His power than that covenant can be dissolved.

From time to time in the course of our marriage feelings are hurt, and sometimes our relations are banged up. Trust is challenged and sometimes we may feel like jumping ship. There is a temptation for some to begin looking for the back door at the first sign of trouble. Sadly many bail out before they can realize the power of the atonement in that covenant.

Your part in this covenant is to do your best and learn to perfect your relationship through Christ. An imperfect relationship is not the same as a broken covenant and is not a reason to bail out. All covenants are imperfect unless the atonement is apart of the terms.

Still some will claim that their spouse has broken the covenant and therefore they feel justified in ending the marriage. God has declared that certain actions justify the end of a marriage, but he does not say that it must end a marriage. I believe short of abuse, and or endangerment, you should do everything in your power to maintain your covenant. Your spouse can not remove you from the covenant anymore than you have power to remove them from the covenant. So, it is better to learn to work within the covenant making your relationships within covenant your greatest priority. Those relationships must be balanced between your spouse and the Lord.

A personal experience that I had has taught me that many of the things that happen here in this mortal experience will not matter in the eternal scheme of things, and when we get to the other side of the veil we will have wished we had been quicker to forgive even the most serious of offenses against us.

Let no man tear apart that which the Lord has sealed together. Make it your priority.

Respect Is A Powerful Inhibitor Of Temptation ...

Respect is a powerful influence in doing what is right. While admiration may lead you to temptation, respect inspires your best behavior. When we respect one another we acknowledge the fact that they are a son or daughter of God and we treat each other as such whether they acknowledge that or not. Understanding who we are and the expectations that come from our divine parentage leads us not only to doing good to others but to respect their property as well.
When we respect God we also respect his creations. The temptation to litter, misuse resources, or otherwise truly damage the environment is inhibited when we respect God's creations. Vandalism, theft, and violence is not a temptation when we respect our neighbors. Morality comes naturally when we respect each other.  When we respect God his commandments are easy to keep. When we respect each other laws are not needed. Maybe this is what Christ meant when he said, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself."
Respect brings us a greater appreciation for the good in all people. 

Commit To Your Marriage

Sometimes it takes a commitment to the marriage to survive the pot holes that will happen along the way. Marriage is not easy. It requires work, forgiveness, and compassion as well as commitment. We are all weak at times and without a commitment to the marriage it is easy to find yourself uncommitted to your spouse or your spouse uncommitted to you.
When we were courting we relied heavily on making ourselves attractive to each other. Whether that was physically, mentally, spiritually, or otherwise we sought to impress each other. We couldn't think about being separated. We thought all we wanted was to spend time together. However, something terribly magical happens once you get married. All that time you thought you would have together suddenly dries up and disappears. Work and or school begins to demand more time. Between church callings, work, and the lovely bill collectors, the stress begins to mount. Suddenly all those things you had in common get forgotten and all the things you ignored, didn't know, or didn't want to think about come to the surface exposing you to the less flattering qualities of your spouse. Then comes finances. Suddenly your spouse begins to look...shall we say...not so attractive. At this point we look in the mirror and we start to question our own attractiveness.
So many things happen that distract us from each other, including the world's definition of marriage and family. No wonder divorce becomes an easy solution to our hectic life.
Without a commitment to marriage it is easy to fall out of love and see breaking up your family as a solution to the lack of feeling love toward your spouse. When you are committed to the marriage you may fall in and out of the feeling of love a few times and as long as abuse is not involved you can still understand the importance of the marriage. What a commitment to marriage really is, is a commitment to the third personage of your marital covenant...The Lord.

Flirting With Temptation

Flirting with temptation is like seeing how close you can get to a fire before you get burned. The premise of your experiment is designed that you burn yourself. Not too smart when you look at it that way, is it?

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way, but more often than not we can look around us and make our choices based on observation. A scientist uses rats to experiment on because he knows that what he is doing could be harmful. Yet we seem to know that somethings are harmful to ourselves and we do it anyways. 

When we think we are the exception we simply become another statistic.  There are no exceptions when we deal with the devil. If we want to be the exception we should strive to be exceptional.

Divorce Is No Savior

When our hopes and dreams of a happily ever after are shattered by the nightmarish aspects of reality, where do we turn for help? When sickness enters our marriage, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial, where do we look for healing? If divorce is necessary, are we looking for divorce to save us?


While divorce is necessary at times, if we look for it to be our savior, we may find that it is anything but our savior. Divorce may break our legal bond. However, if we have children, it does not release us from our common responsibility of parenting. And we will still have to work together in raising those children. Divorce only complicates that responsibility.

Divorce is a great gamble, sometimes it is necessary to protect our children or ourselves from physical or mental harm. However we must measure the consequences of staying verses the consequences of leaving. Often we want to ignore the consequences that we may face on the other side of divorce. Sometimes we may benefit from the divorce, but it may be at the expense of our children. It is hard to measure the damage our children experience when we seek divorce for our own peace.

Is divorce our savior? No. Can it bring healing? No. Divorce has no power to heal. Divorce has no power to alleviate our pain. There is only one source of healing and that is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It is only through him that we can begin our healing process. Often times we look at the source of our pain as being our spouse, and by getting rid of them we can get rid of our pain. However the actual pain is within us, and when they are gone we can no longer blame them, but we still have the pain. And the danger is in thinking, they are the only one who needs to repent and call on the atonement to change.

There are certain phrases that may expose the reality of who we have chosen as our savior. Phrases such as; "I just need to get away from them so I can heal" or "I just need to get divorced so I can move on with my life,"  then we may need to ask ourself who our savior is? The legal action of divorce is not that difficult, it is a signature on a paper and a declaration of divorcement. The consequences however, are not so simple.

To choose Christ as the Savior of our marriage is not easy, it requires more than physical work. It requires our faith, our forgiveness, our patience, our willingness to try one more time than we may think we can. It will require all we have to submit to the will of God. But in the end we will become a better, happier person whether our marriage works or not. And if our marriage does not work we can honestly say we have done everything possible. And that will help in the healing process.

If divorce is needed to save ourselves or our children from harm then we must do what we have to do. But, if we need healing, we can not turn to divorce. We must turn to God and through the Atonement of Christ we will find the strength to be healed.

When is it okay to get divorced? I can't say. But I can say this, I truly believe God would like to heal your marriage before he accepts your divorce. 

My Thoughts on Finances

It is a well known fact that financial woes are the number one reason for divorce. First we have to recognize that financial problems have little to do with money, but we focus on money because money is easy to blame. We think we don't have enough or we think that our spouse just spends too much. More often than not our financial woes are simply a matter of ignorance, pride, and seeking comfort where you can not find it.
One of the reasons that we struggle is because we do not know how to communicate our emotions when it comes to finances and finances are all about controlling emotions. A man wants to be everything to his wife. He wants to feel confident and competent when it comes to running the affairs of his family. He wants to provide the necessities as well as the wants of his family. He does not want to know that he is falling short of his own high expectations. In the case of finances pride and ignorance seem to go hand in hand. Women on the other hand have the desire to feel secure and protected from their dragons. They place a high expectation on their man, because every woman knows that she married superman. She wants to believe that her every wish is at his command. Emotional spending might be blamed on both the man and the woman for these reasons.
Most of us grew up being taught how to tie our shoes, how to recognize the alphabet, and how to do math, but we do not learn about finances. Finances were done in the "office." Out of sight of the little people. All we know is mom and dad had money or they didn't have money. We never saw the games they played or the negotiations that they made in order to keep their household running. We have grown up for the most part without really learning the principles that govern money...especially budgeting.
Budgeting is where reality hits. As I said men do not want to know that they are failing and women do not want to feel unsecure. When we budget we have to face the facts. We have to step out of the fairy tale where money grows on trees and as long as we have checks we must still have money.
This is where a man and woman have the opportunity to grow closer together than any other way. When a husband and wife sit down together the woman encouraging her man, showing complete faith in him, beautiful things can happen. When a man sits down with his wife and they can create a workable plan, he will experience a hope like no other.

Once you can resolve to dealing with the real emotional issues involved with finances then you are ready to find the tools you need to make it as easy as possible. There are many ideas and many methods that have worked for others, but when it comes to comprehensive budgeting and planning tools I don't know of anyone with a better plan than Dave Ramsey. I highly recommend finding him on your radio or at least visiting his website and buying a couple of books. The principles he teaches are those we have been taught in the gospel all our lives, but we did not understand how to do it.  http://www.daveramsey.com/
My own experience with his program has been nothing less than miraculous. We went from going $200 dollars in debt every month to saving $1000 and paying off another $700 in 3 months. We went gang busters at first then we slowed down, but we were still able to pay off  $13,000, making less than $40,000 per year, and we did it in 2 1/2 years. We also remodeled my daughters room replaced a transmission and bought a used car in that same time period.

There is nothing more frustrating than working hard only to find out your debt load has increased. What is even more frustrating is watching someone do the same stupid things we were doing, and knowing that they will have to find out for themselves that it doesn't have to be that hard.

For Better Or Worse Is No Cliche

Divorce is never a good thing, but the lesser of two evils. God does not expect us to stay in a relationship that potentially is damning, but he does expect us to stay in a relationship that is potentially exalting. In this life we often see things in our spouse that is annoying, and some times even destructive, but honestly we must look at ourself and realize that we ourselves do things that are annoying and destructive.
Sometimes, when we are hurt by the actions of our loved ones we think that divorce is the only solution. It is not! When we have entered a covenant with God we become perfected in Christ. None of us are perfect to our covenant, we may do well, but if we were perfect there would be no reason that Christ should atone for our sins. We do our best and we work with our spouse to overcome issues along the way. That is what our covenant is and that is what exalts our relationship.
When we enter the next life most things that are important to us here will not matter there. With that in mind we should truly seek to minimize our own annoyances here in this life.
For better or for worse must never be turned into a trite cliche.
However, when abuse of any kind is involved I believe the potential of the relationship is damned. Abuse has no place in a temporal or eternal relationship.

Family A Christmas Gift

God intends us to be happy eternally. We often times think of the challenges we have in this life as cruel and unusually, as God's punishment for our bad behavior.
 I do not believe that God seeks to punish us. He loves us. He wants us to succeed. Our agency is our greatest asset to perfection as well as our greatest obstacle to perfection. We can not reach our full potential without the full potential to fail.
The greatest potential source of happiness comes from our family. Is it any wonder that such a source of happiness might also be such a source of equal pain and heartache. Is it any wonder that as a reward God would extend that happiness eternally? Our marriage need not end at death, but may continue on through the sealing power of God's priesthood. It only makes sense that as we are a child of God we would grow up to be like him.
This is just one more Christmas gift, made possible through the atonement of Christ.

Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

You can ask anyone who has a long lasting happy marriage and they will tell you that marriage is a constant decision to like the person you are married to.
Those who allow their emotions to control their temperament, or their attractions will eventually be disappointed in their own decisions. They will find themselves seeking happiness but unable to commit to what will truly make them happy. Emotions like a fire make wonderful servants, but terrible masters. Learn to control your feelings or your feelings will destroy you.
It is the commitment to Love that gets you through what emotions might otherwise destroy. Enjoy emotions while you have them, but do not make your decisions based upon them or you will find yourself impoverished, financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Many marriages end because one person felt they could not help liking another. They loved their spouse, but they made the mistake of following their feelings to their own destruction. Sometimes love is not enough, it takes commitment as well.

Change....

A marriage can be strengthened or destroyed on one word....Change.... 

A marriage requires two people constantly changing, constantly becoming better for each other. The sad thing is many of us get married then forget we are in it together. Instead of growing old together we grow apart. 

We often marry someone because we felt they had characteristics which we needed in our lives to be happy. As soon as we get married we begin trying to change one another instead of becoming more like one another. Find your spouses strengths and try to become like them. 

Change together, Grow together. Grow together, Stay together.

Don't Be Distracted By The Unimportant

Last Friday I was taking pictures at the pine wood derby. I thought that I had chosen the prime location sitting right at the end of the track. As the races began I started taking pictures. I got a few pictures in and I looked at what I had taken. They were out of focus and frankly quite uninteresting. I changed my position slightly and took some more pictures but it seemed the same results. I just didn't feel it.

 It wasn't until after the derby that I realized I was taking the wrong pictures. I should have been taking pictures of the boys. I began to imagine what the boys faces must have looked like as their cars came down the track. Oh, what pictures I could have taken.



It was then that I realized that when we focus on the wrong things life may seem out of focus and uninteresting.

When we make the unimportant the focus of our attention we tend to ignore the people who are important.

Sometimes Things Get Broken Beyond Repair

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And all the kings men and all the kings horses couldn't put Humpty together again....Sometimes the decisions we make leave others broken beyond repair. Of all the slow spiritual deaths you can suffer, addictions have to be the saddest. Avoid them as if your life depended on it.

No Room In My Heart....When He Is There

There is no room for hatred when your Savior is in your heart. You can think to do no evil when the Savior occupies your mind. Loving God is an all or nothing deal. You can not say you hate this person or that person and say that you love the Lord. For when you love the Lord there is no capacity for hatred.

What-ifs Are a Fantasy

Stop thinking about the "What-ifs."  The What-ifs are a fantasy that not even the fantasized could live up to. Sometimes we have to realize that happiness is as much a habit of thoughts as is depression or anger. We have the power in our own mind to imagine that which is not and make it so, simply by believing. Your spouse is more likely to become what you believe, so believe what you want about them, rather than what you do not want.

Learning To Live With The Mistakes Of Others

Sometimes in life we plan on growing strong and tall together, but along the way our dream may be broken. Sometimes it is because of what we do. Somtimes it is because of what we don't do. Othertimes it is someone else's bad decision. Whatever causes it we must not allow it to stop us from growing. Learning to adapt to the situation gives us an opportunity to breathe life into a new dream... A bigger dream.

When we learn from others though they may be dead and gone we still gain nourishment from their existence. Live as though every dream is possible if you work hard enough, just remember the biggest dream of all is love and care for your own family. Everything else is secondary and inconsequential.