It started as a simple curiosity. What would it feel like? What would it look like? What would it taste like? Why do they say it is so bad? What harm could it do, just once? Why is everyone making such a big deal out of it?
I knew in my heart that it was wrong, but that other little voice kept urging me on and I have to admit my curiosity was very strong.
I tried it, with some reservations, and thought, that wasn’t too bad, even though my spirit screamed within to stop. I didn’t get caught and I tried it again. I felt a little guilty but I justified my actions saying, “I’m not too far gone, I still feel the guilt.” Again I did not get caught, and again I justified it. I got pretty good at it and thought this isn’t really that bad. I couldn’t see what harm was being done by my “little indiscretions.” You see I minimized all my guilt until I was numb. Not that I did not feel it I just got to where I refused to acknowledge it.
As time went on I began to think that everyone could see right through me. I started pushing people away because I felt ashamed but I refused to think that I couldn’t handle the situation. I tried a number of times to stop and felt that I truly had a grip on things, but my mind was weak and I would think that I had to try it, one more time, that's all.
My guilt was changing me!
I didn’t know that I could crave something so much. I hated myself! I stopped caring about others. Not that I wanted to I just didn’t want anyone close enough to find out. I began to wonder if I could possibly love anyone. How could I do something so stupid? After all, this was ME! It seemed like it should be so easy to get out of the situation, but never had anything in my life seemed to want destroy me so badly. I wanted to blame everyone for my errors.
It wasn’t long before I would get angry and turn to my ugly corner for comfort. I gave myself freely to my weakness thinking that maybe I could escape if I got tired of it. It only got worse…
I remembered going fishing when I was younger. Many times the fish would take the bait without the hook. The fish became more aggressive and bold taking the bait and often they were caught, but occasionally they would still get off the hook. Those that got off usually would go elsewhere for their meals. But occasionally they would stray back into dangerous waters and take the hook again.
I felt like that fish that was caught. I fought the fact, and denied that I had been caught. I even swam to the shore faster than the line was being reeled in, pretending that I was free. When the line got tight again I would fight with all my might to remove myself from the situation. I could not! I was frantic! Where could I go? Where could I hide?
I did not want anyone to see me. I was scared! I was angry with myself. I was filled with anguish and shame at the thought of what I had done, and what was going to happen to me. I wanted to cry. I felt so helpless. I felt so hopeless. I was sick. I was so embarrassed everyone could see I was caught but there was nothing they could do. Many a fish had gone before and I knew the risks. I just did not believe that I would be caught.
I remembered seeing all the other fish that had never taken the risk and I now wished I had been like them. I realized that they were much more courageous than I. Besides what good did it do me to believe that I was the one who was being courageous by taking the risk. I would never know what it was like to have never tried. I would never know how happy I could be, had I been obedient as the other fish had been.
I began to realize that if something did not happen soon I was a goner. I was having hard time breathing already, and for the first time I felt the pain of the hook deep within my belly. I knew there was no getting out of it this time...
I was out of the water and could not breathe. I was completely removed from my environment, the environment that God had created for me.
I was in the hands of the destroyer. I was at his mercy. I don't know why I took the bait. Thinking back, it no longer looked as enticing as it had and it certainly didn’t taste as good as I thought it would. It wasn’t as exciting as I had hoped it would be. And now I was going to die.
If only I had listened to my teachers...If only I had held my own proclaimed standards. If only… if only....
Now I have no hope. A wire runs through my gills and I am no longer my own. I belong to the destroyer. Life is draining from my soul and I am growing weak. I fight but I know it is no use. I am dying.
Not long ago, I read a story of a woman who caught a 70 lb salmon on 10 lb test line. It took a long time for her to real it in but she was able to do it. I would like to compare this to the cords (2ne. 22:26) Satan uses to catch us. We may look at the line and think how easy it would be to break that line, and it should be. But with a skilled fisher the line is not broken and by patiently wearing us down we can be brought into the keeper. It does not matter how big you are or how small the line is, avoid it. On the other hand if we understand the atonement and use it, it doesn’t matter how little we are or how strong the line is we can break it.
When we reach the stage in addiction that we are in the boat and we have lost all hope (Moroni 10: 22) it is very difficult to come back, but not impossible (Moroni 10:23).
However, there are many of you who are caught and are in a battle for your lives. If you reach out and get help you can avoid more humiliation, depression, and hopelessness. Don’t wait, it only gets harder. You see, the closer you get to the boat the less and less freedom you have. The more and more restricted you become.
Do you believe Christ? Then confess and forsake your sins. If you rationalize your own sins then Christ can not justify you. You have no authority to pardon yourself from the effects of sin. But if you believe Christ then test him. Give him your burden and see if he will not take it from you. Let your burdens be light upon his shoulders, and allow yourself to experience the fullness of the gospel of repentance. The peace and joy you will feel in knowing that you are forgiven and the effects of sin have been washed away will bring the sweetest peace you can ever know.
It is easy to say that it only affects you, especially if you believe no one else knows. You must be perfectly honest with yourself when you ask the following questions. You must ask yourself, how does this affect my family? Would I treat my family differently if I were free? How does this affect the way I look at others? How does this affect my ability to interact with others? How does this affect my relationship with God? Can I give everything to God if I am holding back?
Addiction looks easy to avoid but it sneaks up on you when you think you’re the strongest. Addiction is never what it seems. It is in the drug but it is not the drug. It is in the pornography but it is not the pornography. It is in the alcohol but it is not the alcohol. It is in the act but it is not the act. It is in our attitude but it is not our attitude. It is not bad relationships but it is in bad relationships. It can even be found in computer games. It is not anything but it could be in anything. Addiction is the hook it is not the bait.
Addiction is an emotional attachment. An emotion is like an adhesive that attaches a physical, chemical, or spiritual chain to our heart and our mind. The strength of the bond is determined by the nurture that we give it. Addiction can not be destroyed by you alone.
Addiction begins to eat at our character and erode our integrity. It makes us question our own worth, and that destroys our hope. Without hope we lose charity. Without hope and charity we fall into despair.
It requires more than we can give or take. It requires the acknowledgment of Christ and our need for his help. We must desire to have it removed, then Christ can remove it and begin the healing process. That is how Christ is our Savior.
Not very many people do absolutely evil things to start with. They do one stupid thing after another and they slowly destroy their life. Where Addiction is Fear is soon to follow. Where Fear is Faith can not enter.
“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be, also.”
To dream is to create a vision. To set goals is to create your plan. To reach your goals is to build your dream. To believe is to make your dreams come true. And to make your dreams come true is to become like God.
Throughout our lives we often find ourselves or our friends drifting away from each other. Sometimes they come back other times they don't.
There is always sadness when we lose friends to something we see is destructive, it does not matter how old we are the pain is real.
